Wish I may

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Going through life I wished with all my heart for so many things I wasn’t supposed to be. The truth of it all isn’t realized until later on in life and much later for others. I seem to be an early learner of life’s lessons and try to pass these lessons on to the people going through the same situations or who haven’t dealt with them from their past. One of those lessons came to me last night, which is the act of wishing.

When I was younger I would wish to be like my cousin Jessica, who was only older by three months. She was so beautiful, didn’t have very many freckles, had an amazing voice, gorgeous body, and all the boys wanted her. Looking at her now she’s gotten chubby and doesn’t carry the weight well. Had a baby with an abusive boyfriend, and lives in a dead-end town with nothing going for her. I also realized that I could probably sing better than her. Where if you are to compare with myself it is a complete 180. I live in a beautiful city, I have a nice job, with a good lifestyle, and can be gorgeous on my good days.

Another wish was to not have freckles, all the girls in my school had little or no freckles. I have a vast amount, just of little ones though so it’s not too bad. People used to joke and say that I was standing behind a screen when someone tried to throw a dirty diaper at me. That joke was one of my favourites, but believe me there was plenty. That changed when I was in my teens due to a magazine believe it or not. The whole thing was filled with ads of girls with freckles! They were all different colours, shapes and sizes. Some weren’t even real, so they advertised a freckle pencil that you could use to make your own. I was so proud that I didn’t need to buy that freckle pencil, and that my freckles were actually seen as beautiful.

This one is a crazy wish, but it made sense to me and somewhat still does. It’s that I was one of those “slutty girls”. There are a few reasons behind this,  one being that sex wouldn’t hurt and that I could actually enjoy it. Little did I know that it hurt so much because I was with the wrong gender. I hated sex so much, and I always thought it sucked. Not enjoying sex also put a hinder on my self-confidence. I would always satisfy the other person and not let them do anything to me. Not because I was worried about the look of my body but that I couldn’t be pleasured and I wasn’t up for pretending. It would have been a waste of both our time, in more ways than one. The second reason is because I would have lot’s of practice and would be a pro. I would know that I was good and not have to worry if I could compete with all the other pretty girls.

When I was in my teens I would be self-conscious about my belly and thinking that I was chubby. Compared to what my stomach is like now I should have been showing it off 24/7. Not knowing any better I thought I was fat, and would always shy away. Now I am chubby, and been that way for years. Definitely not something that’s going to change anytime soon, but something I’m very okay with. I hold the weight well, I eat healthy, exercise, and just live my life as normal as anyone can. This is the happiest I think I’ve ever been with my body and am proud to have every wrinkle, stretch mark, dimple, freckle, and vein.

I can’t change the wishes I made when I was younger, but I can control the ones I make now. Wishing is over for me and it has changed to praying. I pray for strength, courage, patience, serenity, and to be a person that the Lord is proud to call his child. I do the best I can every day, make the most from what I have and am thankful for every breath of air I get a chance to breathe. Moral of this story is, no more wishing. Pray for the things that will better your life and be thankful for the rest that is given.

Cheers,
RCarr

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