This is a first hand account with my experiences, there is no right or wrong.
Some key points in “her”story: When I was about 9, I saw a news segment that impacted my life forever. It was “Gay Day” at Canada’s Wonderland, girls were holding girls hands and boys were holding boys hands. All I remember when seeing the girls hold hands is, ‘I want to do that when I grow up!’ I was 9, I had no idea what any of that even meant. I did not have sexual urges, or fantasies. I knew though, just like most of us do before the age of 10.
My first kiss was a boy, my second kiss was a girl.
I kissed girls at parties because they didn’t want anything more from me. It was simple, easy and fun.
I dated the only gay girl in my small town, after there was no one else I knew I couldn’t stay. I knew I was so much more than what that town had to offer. I needed new adventures, new discoveries! I needed jazz in dimly lit bars, I needed strangers talking to me, I needed different ethnicities and languages. I needed to get lost, get found, and get to know the me I know I was meant to be. I moved here 4 years ago for all those things, but the main reason I was yearning to escape… was to experience the love of a woman.
One clear February day I packed my rental car and drove to Ottawa, met my roommate for the second time and unpacked my stuff. I started out online, meeting people and there was a gay girl at work that brought me out a few times. It was exciting and exhilarating seeing women together!! The bars.. all you could feel was sexual tension. They look you up and down assessing the fresh meat, new face in a crowd of “been there’s” and “done thats”. I was lost, I knew how to approach men. I was confident in everything about them, I knew how to get drinks, get them wrapped around my finger doing as a wish. Girls were a whole different story. They made me nervous, anxious, sweaty, speechless, putty. Approaching them was the worst! I actually went home crying one night because I didn’t understand how any of this worked, I was so frustrated and lost. The bars started to feel like meat factories, the women were caddy, cliquey and unkind. I stopped going out to the gay bars, and pretty much refuse now. Anyone that I would actually want to meet would not be met in places like that anyway. I know this is what I wanted, but not like this, there had to be a better way.
In the “community” you also have to be careful who you date and who you talk to. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous but it is sadly very true.
A little background: I talk to people online because I find it really hard to meet lesbians in person. Unless we are obviously flirting then you don’t know if they are a) lesbian or b) * most importantly* single.
I’ll give you a situation that I tell to many people to show how crazy this “community” can be sometimes. This is why I usually have such a hard time meeting people and avoid avid community members like the plague.
I started talking to A and hanging out we realized nothing romantic was coming from it, so we decided to be each others wing man. I then told her that I started talking to this girl B and she seemed really nice. A kept bugging me to tell her B’s name, but I knew how these girls talked so I kept on resisting. While I was on the phone with A, B was on her way to visit me on her lunch break. I ended up telling A about B because she just wouldn’t leave me alone. So when B said she was at my house I excitedly ran outside to meet her and we started chatting. She all of a sudden got a call.. it ended up being from her ex fiancee (lesbians usually have at least one). Answering the phone she asked what she wanted, and the girl on the other end asked her if she was with me, stating my name. A looked at me shockingly, as I heard my name thoughts started running wild. Turns out, the week before when I went to the bar with A, B’s ex fiancee was in the group of girls we partied with. Needless to say, I stopped chumming with A and I never heard from B again. It was mortifying, and I didn’t know how to come back from that. I just couldn’t stop thinking, ‘What the fuck is wrong with these people and how am I going to survive this lesbian jungle?!’
Not only do you have to deal with answering all the questions when meeting new people with your new found “identity” but you have to try and function in their world. It has been the most challenging, horrifying, rewarding, amazing experience in my whole life and I’ve had quite a few experiences.
Future blogs will be coming about finding my “identity”, gender roles and how people really need to stop sexualizing lesbians. Not only is it highly inappropriate, it’s also very frustrating, rude and uncomfortable. I promise it won’t take 4 months till the next one.
**Wrote this blog listening to Arctic Monkeys**