The days are long

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It’s usually something that happens that brings me to write, whether it be an event, a disagreement, annoying drivers or a mental break down. This time it’s a break down and the weight of it all.

My last blog written was about the gratitude I felt for life and where it has brought me. Being able to be with my partner in sunny California. This is a blog flipped upside down right beside it.

M. and I broke up, the night before I left to come to BC. She didn’t feel it was working so it ended. Fast forward two months and we still talk almost every day, we still have this amazing connection but we still don’t work. It’s only today that I am actually coming to terms with this.

But this blog isn’t about her, maybe I’ll get into that another time. This blog is about me and where I am today. I have come to realize the past two years have really been more of a struggle then I gave them credit for.

January 2014 or somewhere around that time was when I started experiencing health issues. I couldn’t go a day without feeling nauseous or vomiting. So all that year I was trying to figure out what was wrong and then when they did an ultrasound they found I had some gallstones. They said once I had my gallbladder removed (October 2014) I’d be fine. I wasn’t and and so after that it continued to get worse where I literally was unable to eat anything. So when I visited M. in Cali January of 2015 she suggested I was maybe allergic to wheat/gluten. I was willing to try anything and after 3 days of not eating that, I felt a world of difference! Then 2015 was up and downs trying to figure out my diet, not isolate, be in a long distance relationship, survive another Ontario winter and make enough money to pay the bills. A lot of stuff came up in 2015 that I thought was dealt with and I was unsure if it’s stuff I needed to work through or if my pills just weren’t working. In my counselors words, “You’re on anti-depressants and you’re depressed. There’s a problem”. September 2015 I rented out my beautiful centretown apt, gave up my two fur babies Casper and Boo and flew to Cali for two months. November I moved to BC knowing one person, no place of my own, no job and pretty much no money. December I had two jobs, a place to live and I was working my butt off. I have not stopped and boxing day I crashed. I have been struggling to stay above water ever since. I’ve been depending on M. more then I should, I just feel so alone here it’s not even funny. I have not made a single friend in the past two months, on top of that a lot of the people here are not the nicest. I am struggling, HARD. But I’ve been through A LOT.

There are a few wins that come from this story. I finally found out what was making me sick in 2015. I went to the clinic yesterday and met a doctor who offered to take me on as a patient, he specializes in mental health and he started me on a new prescription. I love the place I live, it’s a beautiful area, my roommates are awesome, it’s affordable. My job provides me with mental health assistance and is willing to accommodate me, to help in any way they can.

Being depressed, the days are long and dark. I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally getting the help I need. I just need to make sure I’m making the effort to meet people, and continue my self care once I get a bit healthier.

All my love,
RCarr

 

 

 

 

 

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